Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A message from the Queen

> Subject: Message from your Queen

>>>>> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
> candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, or
> most recently to regulate your financial markets, we hereby give
> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

>> (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

>> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
> duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
> which she does not fancy).

>> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
> America without the need for further elections.

>> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

>> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:

>>>> ----------------------->> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
> will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
> expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up> 'vocabulary').

>> ------------------------>> 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be> adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
> elimination of '-ize.'

>> ------------------->> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

>> ----------------->> 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns> should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready
> to shoot grouse..

>> ---------------------->> 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
> required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

>> ---------------------->> 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
> time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
> of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.

>> -------------------->> 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

>> ------------------->> 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

>> ------------------->> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
> acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation
> on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
> the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
> will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
> sold without risk of further confusion.

>> --------------------->> 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
> dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

>> --------------------->> 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
> of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
> to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
> twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies).

>> --------------------->> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
> cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.

>> -------------------->> 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

>> ----------------->> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).

>> --------------->> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
> cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

>> ------------------>>>> God Save the Queen!